“How Much Is Enough?”—Attention

Selfie: what the excessive need for attention does to ourselves and others

Matthew 6: 1‒7, 16‒18

“[But] take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.

When you give alms, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win the praise of others. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.

But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your almsgiving may be secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.

When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.

But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to others to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you.”

Luke 18: 10‒14

“Two people went up to the temple area to pray; one was a Pharisee and the other was a tax collector.

The Pharisee took up his position and spoke this prayer to himself, ‘O God, I thank you that I am not like the rest of humanity—greedy, dishonest, adulterous—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week, and I pay tithes on my whole income.’

But the tax collector stood off at a distance and would not even raise his eyes to heaven but beat his breast and prayed, ‘O God, be merciful to me a sinner.’

I tell you, the latter went home justified, not the former; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Luke 4: 9‒11

Then he led him to Jerusalem, made him stand on the parapet of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written: ‘He will command his angels concerning you, to guard you,’ and ‘With their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone.’”

Luke 15: 25‒29

“Now the older son had been out in the field and, on his way back, as he neared the house, he heard the sound of music and dancing.

He called one of the servants and asked what this might mean.

The servant said to him, ‘Your brother has returned and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

He became angry, and when he refused to enter the house, his father came out and pleaded with him.

He said to his father in reply, ‘Look, all these years I served you and not once did I disobey your orders; yet you never gave me even a young goat to feast on with my friends.’”

Luke 10: 38‒42

As they continued their journey he entered a village where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.

She had a sister named Mary [who] sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak.

Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me.”

Mark 10: 35‒38, 41

Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.”

He replied, “What do you wish [me] to do for you?”

They answered him, “Grant that in your glory we may sit one at your right and the other at your left.” When the ten heard this, they became indignant at James and John.

Music Meditations

• You Are Mine—Walkers to Heaven
• Only in God—John Michael Talbot
• All That I Am—Sebastian Temple

Opening Prayer

Dear Lord, it may take an eternity for me to unpack the fact that I am your beloved. You see me. You love me. You accept me. Help me to take this belief into my interactions with others so that I am not constantly seeking praise, attention and validation and from others around me, wearing them out with my needs. At the same time, Lord, help me to be attentive to those who never ask, but could use a little attention from me—a little affirmation, a little love. Help me to be generous and less self-involved.

Companions for the Journey

Looking for “Like”s in All the Wrong Places

No one wants to be ignored. If you have ever had a childhood experience of being overlooked, not noticed, not picked for the soccer team, you know what that feels like. We all want to feel that we are enough, just as we are, but sometimes we fear that’s not true. So we sometimes try to prove to ourselves that our lives matter, that we matter, that others care about us just for who we are. All of us have moments of insecurity, and need reassurance.

The world we live in can make us feel overlooked, or worse, a failure, an indistinct face in a sea of nobodies.

Some of this insecurity has its root in two cultural movements in recent history, the Self-esteem “project” and social media.

In the early 1980’s the individualism train left the station and created a preoccupation with one’s own self-esteem, doubling down on the fabulous power of ME. The era of self-esteem—learning to value one’s own self , and raising the “unique” child has led us to expect others in the universe to recognize our wonderfulness and feed our egos, so that no one ever fails; loses, or has a moment of self-doubt. Everyone is a star. Unfortunately, this has created, for a lot of people, a crisis of self-esteem: they know they occasionally have made mistakes, have failed, have not been appreciated fully by others, or might be in a job that is, in their eyes, not helping them live up to their potential.

To add to that, the ubiquity of social media has created a parallel universe where people are famous for being famous. Every thought and movement has to be broadcast to the wider universe because what we have to say and do is so very meaningful that others need to know. Why talk on the phone to one person to share a success when you can reach thousands by publishing it on the internet? Our lives are not exactly an open book, however. We carefully curate our lives and experiences, presenting a perfect or almost-perfect face to the world at large, perhaps hoping that the perfection we present to the world can hide the fact that we feel inadequate. People take to the internet to ask questions of the world at large, to connect with others in a very efficient way, but also to brag (Humble bragging counts as bragging, folks), to complain, maybe to fix from the outside what is wounded or even broken on the inside. This combination of preoccupation with our own special-ness and the omnipresence of social media to broadcast same can lead to insecurity, loneliness, or jealousy, for starters. The result is a need for attention to validate our feelings, prop up our egos, and make us feel like we matter. We often appear from the outside as confident, well-adjusted, competent, but have an underlying fear that we are not good enough, not special enough, to pass muster in this world. Most of us are insecure about something. This is such a common experience that we find it all over the gospels.

One even wonders if Jesus, out there in the desert all alone, listening to the emptiness, pierced only by the cries of an animal in distress, had any doubts about his mission. If he were at the stage in his spiritual journey where and trying to figure out what, exactly, his father wanted him to do, he might be subject to a certain type of temptation. This is the temptation to make his Father notice him, prove how important Jesus was to Him, to make his Father prove how much He loved him. Jesus was strong enough in himself to ward off such a temptation, but most of us can easily fall prey to your own self-doubt and look around for external reassurance that we are doing the right thing. Sometimes we need this reassurance over and over again, with new and different people.

Some people need a constant confirmation of their worth, so they spend time reminding others of it, hoping the admiration or envy will serve as validation of what they want to believe about themselves.

The Pharisee went straight to the source. As if God did not already know, this man stood in the temple loudly proclaiming in prayer how many good things he did, and how spiritually wonderful he was, especially compared to the poor wretch of a tax collector. If we think about it, this man was also seeking to point out, to the very tax collector he was comparing himself to, how superior he was morally. What was his intention in speaking so loudly, do you think? Could it be to get the man’s attention, arouse envy and show the other how superior he was? Jesus warns of this when he tell us that we are not to be ostentatious in our prayer, fasting and almsgiving. We need to be careful that our outward piety is not a subtle way of showing others how good we are, how holy we are, how close to God we are.

Another attention-getting tactic is to complain about how underappreciated they are. This is, by far, the most common and effective method we employ to get others to pay attention to us. Look at the elder son in the parable we know so well: he really believed that the way to his father’s love and attention was through doing his father’s bidding on the family farm, forgoing any adventures of his own. But when he felt ignored or taken for granted, he became increasing resentful. Or as Henri Nouwen puts it in The Return of the Prodigal Son:

Obedience and duty have become a burden and service has become slavery. Exteriorly, he does all the things a good son is supposed to do, but interiorly, he has wandered away from his father. He has done his duty, has worked hard every day, and has fulfilled all his obligations but has become increasing unhappy and unfree. [And] when confronted with his father’s joy at the return of his younger brother, a dark power erupts in him and boils to the surface. Suddenly, there becomes glaringly visible a resentful, proud, unkind, selfish person, one that had remained deeply hidden.

To feel good about himself and his life, he needed gratitude and validation from his father, and did not get it until it was maybe too late. What a sad, sad family dynamic. Nouwen goes on:

when I listen carefully to the words with which the elder son attacks his father—self-righteous, self-pitying, jealous words—I hear a deeper complaint. It is the complaint that comes from a heart that feels that is never received what it was due. It is the complaint expressed in countless subtle and not-so-subtle ways, forming a bedrock of human resentment, It is the complaint that cries out: “I tried so hard, worked so long, did so much, and still I have not received what others get easily. Why do people not thank me, not invite me, not play with me, not honor me, while they pay so much attention to those who take life so easily and casually?”

Then there was Martha. Mary and Martha were hosts to Jesus at their home. But it would seem that once Jesus arrived, Mary dropped out of the meal preparation and serving in order to listen to Jesus. Now this really bothered Mary. Here she, was, schlepping food to the table, serving her guest, and it would seem, all invisibly. She was totally ignored. She did not particularly want her sister’s attention; perhaps she did not even want her sister’s help—it would have spoiled the narrative. In fact, she was perfectly capable of telling Mary to help her or asking her to do so. Instead, by telling Jesus to make Mary help her, Martha revealed that what she wanted was attention from Jesus for being such a good host; what she wanted praise and validation from him for how hard she was working.

Henri Nouwen said, however,

whenever I resort to complaints in the hope of evoking pity and receiving the satisfaction I so much desire, the result is always the opposite of what I tried to get. A complainer is hard to live with, and very few people know how to respond to complaints made by a self-rejecting person. The tragedy is that, the complaint, once expressed, leads to that which is most feared: further rejection.

Another method of feeling special and reaping the attention that one deserves, is to claim that we have a unique relationship with someone who matters, that we are very important to him or her. In the gospel of Mark, James and John want to be publicly acknowledged as being “favorites” of Jesus, who will sit at his right and left in the “kingdom” to come. (In Matthew’s gospel, it was their ambitious mother who advocated on their behalf.) Of course, they were only looking at the popularity and admiration such placement would bring, not the bad times the often accompany such notoriety. We too, sometimes look for “fame-by-association” of one type or another, bragging about our children’s accomplishments, claiming closeness with a famous professor, or asserting that some famous person grew up in our town. This kind of self-aggrandizement is very common in an era when glamour and fame are an end in themselves.

We hate this in ourselves, but how do we fix it? Getting off the attention bandwagon is not fast, not easy. Human insecurity militates against it. Our culture militates against it. Social Media militates against it. But to be healthier and happier, emotionally and spiritually, we need to make a start. First would be honesty. We need to ask ourselves why we seek attention. We need to look at the subtle manipulations that we employ to get that attention. The answer is different, and valid, for everyone. Sometimes it helps to remind ourselves that outward attention/validation just leaves us craving more attention, because we have not internalized it. No one from the outside can fix what is broken on the inside. Most importantly, we are advised to limit our social media time, AND our gossip time. Cross off any sites, or limit conversations with people that tend to make you feel worse about yourself or angry. Search for sites that empower, inspire, and nurture. Seek out friends who do the same. The reasons are obvious. In the spiritual dimension, it would be helpful to look a little critically at the culture we operate in and how different it is from Jesus’ vision of the kingdom. Keep Jesus’ actions and words as a lodestar to guide your word and actions. It would be spiritually healthy to reflect on the truth of God’s forever present and enduring love. (For inspiration, read some of the scripture selections listed below.) Spend some time each day, preferably at the end of the day, reflecting on God’s action in your life in big and miniscule ways. Think of it as God’s reminder that you are loved and lovable, just as you are. As an extension of that love, try to become aware of someone in your social circle who is not feeling particularly good about himself or herself right now, or who has suffered rejection from a parent, spouse or child. Reach out and listen. Don’t tell them they are wrong, and why. Listen. Then hug.

And finally, let yourself understand that ebb and flow is ok; we can begin again and again. I can tell myself: “I am not looking for perfect, just a slightly healthier way of feeing about myself. This this is my journey, my task, but I am not in it alone. God is walking with me, all the way.”

Further scripture selections:

• Psalm 139: 1-18
• Psalm 103
• Psalm 108
• Psalm 136
• Isaiah 43: 1-7
• Luke 1: 46-55 (Magnificat)
• Romans 8: 31-39

Further reading:

• Selfie: How We Became so Self-Obsessed and What it is Doing to Us
• The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self Importance

Weekly Memorization

Taken from Matthew 6: 1‒7, 16‒18…

And your Father, who sees what is hidden, will repay you

Living the Good News

What action can you take in the next week as a response to today’s reading and discussion?

Keep a private journal of your prayer/actions responses this week. Feel free to use the personal reflection questions or the meditations which follow:

Reflection Questions

• How much do I need the attention of another?
  Do I take to social media to get it?
• Have I ever run across anyone who was very ostentatious in her religious practices or parading his moral code?
• What is the balance between parading my goodness and trying to be an example to others?
  Do I do any kind of “virtue-signaling” (the foods I eat, the car I drive, how often I go to Mass, how much I give to the poor)?
• Have I ever done something good for someone else and not told anyone about it?
• Have I ever engaged in “humble bragging” (I do so very little for those in need—I do manage to work at a homeless shelter once a week, but that is a small sacrifice when I have been so blessed…sigh…)
• Have I ever tried to elicit denials from people when I rather ostentatiously downplay a good deed I have done?
  What is the payoff?
• Am I religious because I want to be well-thought of?
• Do I have a “secret room” where I am with God?
• Have I ever been tempted to ask someone for a favor, but put my request in the context of that person proving how much I matter to them?
• Have I ever said (even if only in my heart): “If you had been there for me, I would not have felt so sad”?
• Have I ever felt that my contributions to my family or to my workplace have been overlooked while another’s have grabbed all the attention?
  How did I react?
• Do I still resent it when someone grabs the spotlight or when a person is lavishly praised for even showing up at all, when others have been working hard for the good of the group, but not noticed?
• Did any childhood experience of being overlooked (a disabled sibling, a distracted or too-busy parent, not being picked for a sports team or to star in a play, not being invited to the “cool” parties) make me a little needy?

Meditations

A Meditation in the Dominican Style/Asking Questions:

We have all been the elder brother at some time in our lives. We have all been Martha. For some reason (for example, our childhood experiences or an emotional makeup that is anxious and negative), our insecurity comes from basing our self-image on achievement or on our performance. This, of course, leads inevitably to overstretching our resources so that we are often resentful, tired or frazzled. The result is not pretty. We often resort to criticizing another for taking advantage of us; we throw a tantrum. We make ourselves and those around us pay for our excessive need to be noticed and appreciated. We constantly demand an audience to affirm how wonderful we are, how important we are, how downright special we are. All this is exacerbated by a culture that tells everyone that they are unique and the world owes them gratitude for being who they are. Unfortunately, it exhausts those around us, and makes them, if anything, less sympathetic to our “plight”. I wonder how God feels about our constant kvetching: “Lord, I try and try, an no one notices how hard it is”. I wonder if we wear God out with our neediness. As a seminary professor once put it, sometimes it is not our bad deeds, but our good works that get between us and God. So I need to ask myself: Have I ever been the older brother in any of my relationships? Have I, like Martha, had the need to remind someone whose attention I want that I am working so much harder to do what she wants than others around me are? Do I criticize others in a subtle attempt to make myself look better? Do I exhibit false modesty so that others an contradict me and tell me how wonderful I am? Do I assume God is keeping a list of my accomplishments and my self-sacrifices and loves me more for them? Do I need God to love me more than God loves others? What would help me develop a healthier attitude about attention-seeking?

A Meditation in the Ignatian Style/Imagination:

Looking for “likes” in all the wrong places. Read the story again of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector. Then put it into modern times, using social media instead of a public prayer in the temple. Imagine that you are reading the posting of the Pharisee on Facebook. What is his profile picture like? Has it been airbrushed so that he appears young and fit? Then go to his message and pictures: there he is, having his picture taken with the Pope. Another picture of him with his family in their rented Tuscan villa, still another with the cover of his latest book pictured. The message goes on to say how blessed his life has been, with a very subtle reference to his success, his importance to the Church, his lovely children, his gorgeous wife, etc.. This is followed by gushing comments from his Facebook admirers telling him how envious they are, or how hard he has worked to get where he is. Do you feel happy and empowered reading his message? Do you feel you will never measure up? What role does social media play in your tendency to compare yourself to others? How do you deal with this discouragement? Are you secretly a little glad when the Pharisee receives some kind of setback? So what do you put on your Facebook post? Do your posts lie about your accomplishments? Do you curate your content so that it only contains events you want to brag about? Do you stop following people whose messages are deliberately crafted to get others to envy them? Do you seek out those who have something to say that is inspirational or uplifting? Do you stay connected to those whose posts seem very real, and who admit that they are struggling with an issue? Restrict the need to keep in touch with anyone you have ever met and may never see again, especially if it increases your dissatisfaction with yourself or your life. Try not to let social media become a source of discouragement, anxiety, or envy; if that is all it does for you, QUIT.

Do you stop and realize that God might not be reading your Facebook post or the Pharisee’s? Talk to Jesus about how very troubled or sad you are in a culture of constant self-promotion, and pray for gratitude and acceptance. Spend a few minutes and the end of each day reviewing some events of the day which made you happy. Thank God honestly for the gifts you have been given—the gift of life, for starters.

A Meditation in the Ignatian Style/Imagination:

Read the story again of Mary and Martha. Then put it into modern times, using social media instead of a dinner with Jesus as the audience. I imagine that I am Martha. Why do I feel the need to tell Jesus how good a person I am? How important is his approval or admiration to me? Will I report on Facebook or another site that I have hosted the famous Jesus at y house? What need for attention prompts me to find several ways to trumpet my value in the world? What other forms of social media do I get involved in on a more-or-less regular basis? Why do I feel competitive with others (Mary, for example) and try to show them up? Why do I have a need to prove to others that I am better or more wonderful than I have been given credit for? Am I making up for previous slights and oversights which made me feel invisible, or neglected? What about the world I live in which sort of compels me to play the game of self-promotion? Do I ever feel a little embarrassed by what I have posted? Have I ever criticized another publicly as a way to self-aggrandize? Why am I writing a message to Jesus on my Facebook page when he already knows what I have done (good and bad), and who I am as a person? I speak to Jesus about this need I have for attention, to feel important, to matter to others. I pray for the compassion to think of others and how they might feel about my bragging posts. I pray for the generosity of spirit to build up others so that they do not feel competitive with me, knowing we are all loved by God. And finally I pray in thanksgiving for the love and understanding I know God is extending to me each day of my life.

Literary Reflection:

Thomas Merton captures the vanity of singing so that someone notices the song. If the song is praise to God, then no one need hear it but God himself…

A yellow flower (Light and spirit) Sings by itself For nobody. A golden spirit (Light and emptiness) Sings without a word By itself. Let no one touch this gentle sun In whose dark eye Someone is awake. (No light, no gold, no name, no color And no thought: O, wide awake!) A golden heaven Sings by itself A song to nobody.

Closing Prayer

“A Story that will save us”

Tell us a story that will save us (and that will have been enough) all the great songs have been prayed save only one Tell us a story that will save us Go down Lord, & bring us home May our promises free us not chain us May what we desire fill us not entrap us May those persons we love finish us not bind us Go down Lord, & bring us home You are our history, Lord We neither begin nor end outside you May you be for us not weapon, not answer, but cause of peace May our questions show us not division but the smallness of human answers. Go down, Lord & bring us home May our words create Not destroy May our hands nurture Not break May our dreams lead and encourage us Not trap us in despair Go down, Lord & bring us home We are anxious about many things We are lost in many ways Go down, Lord & bring us home.

—Rev. Ed Ingebretzen, S.J.