It’s all about relationships

Mark 10: 2–16

The Pharisees approached and asked, “Is it lawful for a husband to divorce his wife?” They were testing him. He said to them in reply, “What did Moses command you?” They replied, “Moses permitted him to write a bill of divorce and dismiss her.” But Jesus told them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts he wrote you this commandment.

But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.

Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

In the house the disciples again questioned him about this.

He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

And people were bringing children to him that he might touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this he became indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.” Then he embraced them and blessed them, placing his hands on them.

Music Meditations

You Are Mine--David Haas
Come Thou Font of Every Blessing--Mormon Tabernacle Choir
All Creatures of our God and King--John Rutter

Opening Prayer

Lord, help me to be understanding of the problems facing many marriages and many families today. We are quick to judge and slow to perceive the pressures that face many people in the face of covid, and political and economic uncertainty. I hold up to you [a specific person, or people]. Please keep them in your care and give them the strength to carry on.

Companions for the Journey

From “First Impressions”, 2006, a service of the Southern Dominican Province:

Jesus continues teaching his disciples on their way to Jerusalem. As a test, the Pharisees raise the issue of divorce and this allows him an opportunity for another teaching. The law the Pharisees refer to (Dt. 24: 1-4) allowed a man to dismiss a wife for “something objectionable.” The issue of divorce was not an insignificant one for the religious community in Jesus’ time. (It isn’t insignificant for our time either.) Many rabbis were asked their opinion on the matter and each had one to give. Rather than discuss the allowance for divorce in the law, Jesus calls them back to Genesis and reminds them of God’s plan for marriage.

What he says is a hard teaching since so many these days have had divorces; in our country almost 50% of new marriages are expected to end in divorce and many believers have to deal with Jesus’ teaching in the face of the realities of modern life. So, let’s wrestle with what Jesus says and what we experience among family, friends and maybe ourselves. First of all: the reason for a strict teaching against divorce.

In ancient societies, and even now, marriage laws were societal ways to protect women, who could not own property and would suffer without a husband or man’s support. The laws also protected children who were the most vulnerable in society. The laws safeguarded such members of the community from the whims of fathers and husbands. Some interpreted the law’s permission for divorce rather loosely. The “something objectionable” might be rather miniscule—a man could dismiss his wife for poor cooking or because she was elderly. When a woman was divorced she became vulnerable and dependent on the male members of her family for support. If they wouldn’t or couldn’t help her, remember the extreme poverty of the vast majority of the people, she was left on her own. So, stricter marriage and divorce laws helped those who needed protection. Jesus’ teaching is a difficult one. If we look at Matthew’s gospel for the parallel passage to this one in Mark, we notice that it can be found in the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus lays down other difficult teachings about: loving enemies; living the Beatitudes, the ideal of nonviolence; turning the other cheek; giving without expecting return. In the light of these ideals that Jesus places before us we must admit that we all fall short. Perhaps the teaching about marriage and divorce should be treated as we treat his other ideals; we fail in so many ways to live the life that Jesus has described for members of his kingdom and we are always in need of mercy from our compassionate God.

This is not to excuse ourselves from what he says to us today. We can’t close our ears to the teachings Genesis and Jesus place before us; that marriage is an indissoluble bond and that it represents, as our church teaches, the unbreakable bond between God and God’s creation. So, the union between man and woman calls for fidelity on many levels, not only sexual, but in the giving of one to the other in loving trust and support so as to make manifest a fidelity that resembles God’s fidelity to us.

That’s the ideal of Christian marriage, the one taught by our Church. We believe that the sacrament of marriage is to mirror God’s love for us and Christ’s love for his church. But in our human condition, we who strive for the ideal, often fail. We try to be faithful to living the life Jesus has modeled and taught, but we fall short. Today we bring that struggle and good intention to the altar as we offer ourselves to God and God, in return, gives us Christ and his Spirit to help us live what we profess. As church people we are not blind to human weakness. Over the years we have come to a deeper understanding of what makes full human consent possible. We realize that at certain stages of a person’s life or because of circumstances, a fully free and human consent is not possible. And so, with this newer awareness, there are more dissolutions of marriage in our church because of inadequate consent. But there are still other situations that do not qualify for such official declarations.

Pastors, in their care of the faithful, come across couples who may not be able to receive ecclesial declarations of nullity of previous marriages. These people have decided on remarriage and live good family lives, trusting that God will forgive whatever responsibility they bear for the failure of a previous marriage. They hunger to participate in their parish community and its sacramental life. These people, aware of their situation regarding the laws of the church, have decided, with sincere consciences and even the advice of their pastors, to return to the sacraments. Obviously this is not the official teaching of the Church; but still, it is not uncommon pastoral practice and has been an opening to a renewed spiritual life for probably many divorced Catholics. Other Christian churches have decided to allow second marriages under similar conditions.

Today’s gospel condemns divorce. Yet, we all fail in many ways to live up to the radical demands of the gospel and the question might be asked: why is the issue of divorce and remarriage any different? Perhaps strict laws are necessary to help protect the ideal. With them in place, married couples might be encouraged to work out or find help when problems arise. A friend, married for 30 years and still in love with his wife said, “Over the years, we almost got divorced about 5 times.” Or, as a young mother told me, “Being married is the toughest thing I have ever done.” Yet she and her husband continue to work hard at it. We’ll hold on to the ideal, but we need to find ways to tend to people caught in a crisis or who find themselves in situations for which they are not responsible. Even faithful Christians must deal with personal sin and live in and be affected by a broken world. When the ideal breaks down, we have the mercy of God as a refuge and that is Jesus’ most basic teaching, isn’t it? —God’s compassion for our broken and sinful nature. When, with all our best planning and good intentions for faithful and permanent married relationships, we fail, then God’s mercy comes forward and center stage.

If we, as a church, are to take Jesus’ words seriously then we need to do more, not only officially, but as family and friends to support married couples when their relationships are strained. It is harder these days to do that. The culture in which we live is not very helpful, divorce is so common. In addition: we live so far apart from those we love, it is hard to be there when they need us; we are busy multi-tasking; we have responsibilities, not only for our children, but for the care of aging parents; our careers and jobs demand more than the standard forty-hour work week from us, etc. But think of all the weddings we attend. Isn’t there an implied commitment we make at those ceremonies, not only to show up for the service and the party afterwards, but later on, when the couple needs our support, advice, and encouragement to help them “become one flesh.” That’s also the time for us to “show up.”

Weekly Memorization

Taken from the gospel for today’s session…

Whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it

Living the Good News

What action can you take in the next week as a response to today’s reading and discussion?

Keep a private journal of your prayer/actions responses this week. Feel free to use the personal reflection questions or the meditations which follow:

Reflection Questions

Divorce laws, like most laws, protect the ideal. How do we deal with people who cannot live or have not lived up to the ideal?
We fail and make mistakes in so many ways, and seek and receive forgiveness. Why is divorce itself, or divorce and remarriage treated so differently?
Where does compassion come in, where does justice come in, and where does mercy come in?
Are there some “rules” that are considered more important than others in our society?
Are they spoken or unspoken?
Are family “rules” sometimes different from societal rules?
Are Church “rules” different from the “rules” of family or society?
How do we, as church, deal with divorced people, single parents, or children of same?
What do we do as a parish to support marriage and families?
Can we do better?
How?
Is there ever a slight whiff of superiority that emanates from those who are in intact marriages (good or bad) toward those who have never married or who are divorced?
What can I do or say to give support to those who are struggling in their commitment to one another?
From Faith Book by Jude Siciliano, O.P. 2009
Have I shown compassion and support for those struggling in their marriage?
After a divorce, have I let one of the former spouses slip off my radar screen?
What does it mean to accept the kingdom of God like a child?
When do children these days lose some of these childlike qualities?
Which childlike qualities are hard for adults to sustain?
In what way is our cultural climate hostile to the physical, mental and emotional well-being of today’s children?
Besides children, other groups were marginalized in Jesus’ time. What groups are marginalized in our present time?

Meditations

A Meditation in the Ignatian Style/Imagination:

Imagination:
My name is Sarah. Almost nobody knows my name because I am generally referred to as the “woman at the well”, or the divorced woman at the well I want share with you what my life has been like here in Samaria. My family married me off at 15 to an older man looking for sons, and since I was young and healthy, I was considered a good candidate. Unfortunately, no children came, and he decided to obtain a writ of divorce; I was summarily dismissed from his house, and my parents were ashamed but found me another husband. Unfortunately, I was not able to give him children either, and so I was divorced by him. This time, my parents were really not able or willing to have me live with them, and I had no brothers with whom I could live either. I begged a little, scrounged off other relatives and survived until I could find another husband. When husbands 3,4 and 5 found me defective as well, I was on my own again. Luckily, someone came along who was willing to have me. L “live with him” but as I was damaged goods, he was not interested in marriage. Throughout this whole experience, I lost both family and friends because of the stink of failure that surrounded my broken marriages. While I did not seek to divorce anyone, somehow the fact that I was divorced was an embarrassment —I was a loser. Who wants to hang out with a loser? In my little village I could see people consciously avoiding me, whispering to one another about the wreck I had become. Some children called me terrible names, ones they had heard from their parents, no doubt. Occasionally one of the wives of an elder would come up to me and berate me for the scandal I was causing in the community by living with someone to whom I was not married. I was lonely and isolated, and terribly afraid that I might be booted out of the house when my “protector” found a younger, prettier, more fertile potential wife.

So my routine was to creep out of the house in the middle of the day, when it was hottest and the well was absolutely deserted. There, I would fill my buckets in peace and scuttle back to the sanctuary of my empty house, there to wait for my protector to return home and keep me company. It was lonely and sometimes boring, but I really hate confrontation. You can imagine my surprise when a small group of men came to the well and left their leader there while they went into town and the one left behind asked me to give him a drink of water. Men do not talk to unaccompanied women; men do not talk to divorced women; Jewish men do not talk to Samaritans, period. What was this man all about? It was clear to me that he was something special. It was also clear that what he was talking about was way over my head, and I kept asking for clarification. When he asked me to summon my husband to conduct this conversation in a more appropriate manner, I had to admit that I had no real husband. That’s when he revealed that he knew all about me, somehow—my divorces, my current living situation. I read no condemnation or horror in his voice or words; I heard sympathy and honesty. I finally realized how special this dusty, thirsty little man was, and that God’s messiah might be at hand. When the man’s friends returned, I learned that their friend’s behavior was not something they were totally comfortable with. But he was comfortable talking to me and teaching me, and for that reason I decided that this man was truly someone sent by God. No matter what had happened to me before, no matter how shamed and isolated I had felt before, his kindness, intelligence and understanding of me as a human being, not as a failed divorcee, gave me the courage to go back into my town and bring others to experience his message for themselves. His love gave me courage; his understanding gave me back my identity, my name. My name is Sarah.

Reflection:
Too often, Mark 10:2-16 and the conventional preaching on marriage only serves as a further reminder to those who have experienced divorce, that somehow they are failures, are bad people, are losers. If only they had done something different, had behaved better, they would not be in this plight. Many divorcees in the Church feel like they are not quite welcome because they failed to meet the standards that should mark all good Christians. And if they are divorced and remarried they have committed a sin that cannot be forgiven unless they break up their current marriage and family. So I need to ask myself how I view the situation of someone in my life or my church community who has been divorced. Have I passed judgement on them, their parents or their children? Do I look for who is to blame for so failing to meet the standards set by God? Do I recognize the actuality of cultural or societal prejudice against those who have undergone a divorce? In this country, and in many others around the world, one spouse can file for divorce, and the other has no choice but to accept that reality. Do I realize that not everyone who is divorced actually wished to be divorced? Do I view the children of divorce with a kind of superior pity that seeks to cosign them to lesser ranks because they come from what used to be called “ a broken home? How do children experience the stigma of divorce and how do they survive it? ? If I am divorced, do I feel that God understands my imperfect, messy life? How can I myself uphold the aspirational ideal of a forever marriage and still avoid judging or excluding someone (including myself) for whom that ideal was not possible? How can my church?

A Meditation in the Dominican Style/Asking Questions:

Jesus said, in speaking of children, that to such belongs the kingdom of God. What childlike qualities commend themselves to us as qualities which should characterize those seeking to enter the Kingdom? (Here are a few that Father Walter Burghardt, S.J. suggested in a homily written in 1985):
Open, not cynical
Trusting, Rarely suspicious.
Responsive to love and affection
Are not prized only for what they have accomplished
Delighted to be surprised
Every day is often a new day, old hurts forgotten
Forgiving
Honest
Aware of their powerlessness, their dependence on another
See the humor in the ridiculous
Open to a new adventure
(You add some here)
Which qualities come naturally to you?
Which qualities do you admire in others?
Which qualities do you criticize in others
Which qualities are the hardest for you?

A Meditation in the Augustinian Style/Relationship:

From “First Impressions”, a service of the Southern Dominican Province:

From today’s Gospel reading:
Jesus said,
“Whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.”
Then he embraced them and blessed them, placing his hands on them.

Reflection:
Jesus not only shows his affection for children, but he takes advantage of the moment to speak on behalf of society’s most vulnerable members which, in the light of the context, would not only include children, who had no legal status, but divorced women as well. In Jesus’ statement against divorce he followed his usual pattern of protecting the poor and most vulnerable members of society.

So we ask ourselves:
Have I shown compassion and support for those struggling in their marriage?
After a divorce, have I let one of the former spouses slip off my radar screen?

Poetic Reflection:

Read this humorous and satirical love poem by Billy Collins. What does it tell you about the all-too-human imaginary speaker of this litany to his or her loved one? Are we ever slightly competitive with those we love?

“Litany”

You are the bread and the knife
The crystal goblet and the wine.
—Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is no way you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general’s head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in the boathouse.
It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley,
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman’s tea cup.
But don’t worry. I am not the bread and the knife
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife
Not to mention the crystal goblet and—somehow—the wine.

Closing Prayer

Lord, we know your way is one of faithful love, but we also know that human love of all kinds can be fragile. Help me to bring compassion to all who are finding relationships and commitments difficult right now. I hear you calling me to love, to forgiveness, to fidelity and patience; I realize that I need courage and resolve in each of my relationships to be able to answer that call.

Weekly Reflections

27th Sunday in Ordinary Time, October 6, 2024