Five Things Forgiveness Is Not

Adapted from a homily on forgiveness

It has been twenty years since our televisions showed us those horrible images of the jets crashing into the Twin Towers: the fireballs of flame, the towers themselves collapsing before our very eyes, the ash-covered streets, people jumping to their deaths from high windows, the herds of people walking zombie-like over bridges away from suffocating smoke, the reports of brave people felled by falling concrete, the hundreds of funerals with the firefighters of NY in their dress uniforms, eyes red with fatigue and grief, forming an honor guard while the pipes played Amazing Grace—all these images are part of our collective memory.

This week I picked up a book called “ A Widow’s Walk by Marian Fontana, the president of the 9/11 widows and victims family association. Her husband was one of the 12 firefighters lost from Squad 1. It is a beautiful memoir which chronicles her own grief and the struggles she and others faced in the political-and-media-driven aftermath. What struck me, however, was that in 422 pages there was not one word crying for vengeance against the suicide bombers, not one call for retribution and punishment of anyone. At her husband's funeral she spoke these words: “I hope everyone here will use Dave’s life as an example. I know I will. So tell the people around you that you love them, mend grudges, don’t stay angry with people, and be kind.”

I think today’s readings stir up some questions in all of us; we need to reflect on some of the assumptions we hold about forgiveness, many of which, as we will see, are incorrect. I think we need to look at some assumptions we make about forgiveness, so here are five things forgiveness is NOT:

1. Forgiveness is not ignoring evil and forgetting wrongs that have been committed by individuals, governments, churches—even ours. In some places— Northern Ireland, Jerusalem, in parts of our own country, to forgive my enemy is to betray my ancestors; to forgive is to make a mockery of their sacrifices; to forgive is to condone wrongs against justice and decency. A lot of us are afraid that we simply whitewash the past when we indulge in forgiveness against those who have been so destructive. For example, when we look at the history of racism in our country , we need to realize that forgiveness may carry with it some obligation on the part of the forgiven to amend the evils perpetrated on others, and may carry with it a resolve on the part of society as a whole do eradicate such an evil from our attitudes and behaviors. Easier said than done, but necessary.

2. Forgiveness is not the enabling of bad or destructive behavior. We hear all the time of people who stay in abusive relationships out of a mistaken sense of their obligation to “turn the other cheek”. Let me be very clear: I don’t think we are called to be passive victims of abusive and destructive behavior. Rather, I think what we are actually empowered to do is to invoke civil law to extricate ourselves and those for whom we are responsible from a dangerous situation, and then we invoke divine law or the grace of God to help us heal and get rid of our anger so we can move on with a productive and happy life. We hear also of co-dependents in addictive situations—alcohol or drugs—who forgive and forgive, and their loved one does not get better, he or she gets worse. So the reality is that a simplistic” forgive and forget” is not what is called for here. Another way of putting it is: that we must forgive the sin, but ensure that we and those we love are not victims any longer.

3. Forgiveness is not a demonstration of my wonderfulness. This is forgiveness with a hook , one-up forgiveness, and it says, in effect:

“ I have weighed, judged you and your behavior and found you sorely lacking in qualities that are worthy of my respect. I have these qualities at this point in time, but you do not. I humbly recognize my superior moral strength and your weakness, my consistent moral behavior and your lack of morality. I forgive you your trespasses. You, of course, will find some suitable way to be grateful from this day forward.”

THIS IS NOT FORGIVENESS. THIS IS MANIPULATION.

4. Forgiveness is not easy—sometimes it might seem be impossible. I don’t know how a rape victim forgives her rapist. I don’t know how the victim of sexual abuse as a child ever learns to get over it. I don’t know how someone whose parents were gassed and Auschwitz learns to forgive the Nazis who were the instrument of their deaths; I don’t know how the widow in Northern Ireland or New York gets past the anger and resentment. I don’t know how a parent learns to forgive someone who has damaged or murdered his or her child. In fact, if I am sure of anything at all, it is that God understands our sorrows and our difficulties with resentment, anger--- understands, maybe even, our inability to let go and forgive someone. At least, I sincerely hope so. Yes, forgiveness is not easy—in fact, it is impossible, without God’s help.

5. Forgiveness is not optional—Scripture tells us that we should be merciful primarily because each of us has received mercy. We are to forgive, not because someone deserves our forgiveness, but because we have been forgiven.

When, at the end of the Our Father, we pray, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us," we are asking God to let the experience of being forgiven so transform our hearts that we may likewise forgive others.  It would be a foolish person who would pray the other way around, asking God to forgive us only in the puny measure we are able to forgive others.  Our life with God is a gift, from beginning to end.  We pause to let that truth sink into our bones.  When we asked for forgiveness today, we received it. The Eucharist is our act of thanksgiving for what we realize again we have received from the hands of a gracious God.   A sign that we really believe we have been forgiven free of charge, is to give similar forgiveness to others, again and again. (Archbishop Daniel Pilarcyk, from Forgiveness)